Mistakes, and Death

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, my mind will probably trail off into something else. I've thought alot about death, not my own but others. Not thinking about it in such a way  that it would seem that I want them to die, but how painful and horrible it would be if they did. I've had to experience two deaths, of great people, in the same year. Not to mention at a young age struggling with drug abuse and alcohol abuse. It wasn't like I did   it to be bad, or rebel. I had to grow up.. I've always grown up too fast. My hole life  has felt out of order, like I Don;t belong, or I shouldn''t be the age I am. I felt older, feeling older, makes you forget how old you really are. Talking to people, they forget my age, and talk to me like I am not a child. In my mind, I'm not. In your eyes, I am. Yes, I have done very very bad thigns for my age, made many mistakes, but I see it as, by making these mistakes so early prepares me for my future and prepares me how to deal with things and get through things, and things just to avoid completely. From time to time I miss how I use to be, because It was the only life I knew. Now I have to find a new. New way, new light, new me. I would never forget who I was, because I'm still who I am! Just wiser, stronger, and just better. No, this didn't happen because I was forced to live wiht my mother, I was already on this track when I was living with my dad. My dad is that person in my life that if he died on me.... while I;m still growing. I don't see how I could make it without him guiding me... being my best friend... and my supporter.. I don't ever see how I could go on.... I'm grateful for him, probably more than he'll ever know. I just guess the point of this is, no matter how old, or how many mistakes you've made at your age, it doesn't make you worse, if anything I makes you better. As for death, you fear it for others.. yet not yourself, maybe it's time to look into it.